Video – sexual communication
Adapt your sexual habits. As your partner gets older he needs physical stimuli more and more to get an erection; you will be surprised how useful fellatio is going to be in this way for a man over fifty.
That is to say, he won’t get erections any more when he looks at pictures of beautiful girls, or even at beautiful girls themselves, or possibly when he looks at you. In some cases he may not become erect even when he fondles you. This is absolutely normal for many men having sex when over fifty, and quite a number of men over forty-five find themselves in the same position.
But a man won’t usually be entirely without an erection; all he needs is some encouragement. Usually fondling his penis is enough, but if you want to do a really good job in getting him erect, offer to fellate him. And on those occasions when he doesn’t even start off with a partial erection, oral sex, giving him a blow job, fellatio, going down on him, call it what you will, is pretty much a sure-fire way to get him erect.
An older man’s inability to achieve spontaneous erection has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. It’s a natural process. As men age, and especially as they pass 50, they find their sexual response to certain things is lower than it used to be.
It takes more effort – and different sexual techniques – to get a man aroused. But once he is aroused, he will enjoy sex and be able to take part in it just as much as he ever did.
Temporary erection failures are not uncommon over the age of 50.
There is always the possibility of a man losing his erection after he has entered his partner but before either of them has had a chance to reach orgasm. This is a very distressing problem for most men, not least because it can happen so unexpectedly and so rapidly.
If his erection disappears completely and his penis slips out of your vagina, you can try fellating him back to erection. He is likely to really enjoy fellatio. Another alternative is to fondle his penis as he brings you off with cunnilingus or masturbation.
Knowing that he is bringing you off may go some way to arousing him to erection again, and this combined with your fondling of his penis may make him erect. And for sure, the more aroused you are, the more aroused he will become.
If so, as soon as you have reached orgasm he may be able to go back inside your vagina, which will give you the benefit of prolonged thrusting sensations, perhaps even taking you to orgasm. But in essence, this is about being tolerant, adaptable, and flexible.
More often than not, however, the penis, though limp, does not quickly shrink back to its normal flaccid size, but remains larger than normal and does not slip out of the vagina. If you act quickly, you – his female partner that is – may be able to restore his full erection within a few seconds, in the following way.
For women: Giving a man over fifty great feelings during sex – and keeping his erection firm
If you are using the man on top sex position, and he is lying inside your legs, change position so that his legs are lying outside yours and he is gripping your thighs between his. This increases pressure on the penis inside the vagina.
At the same time you should grip his penis as hard as you can with the muscles of your vaginal entrance. If your arms are long enough reach a hand round over his buttocks and feel his scrotum carefully. His scrotum, by the way, should be lying on top of your closed legs.
Find the spot on the scrotum above the balls, as near to the bottom of the penis as possible, and grip it firmly – but not nipping it so as to cause pain – and pull it away from you quite hard, at the same time gripping the penis with the vaginal muscles, to avoid pulling it out of you.
This has the effect, if you pull hard enough, of pulling on the penis skin and stretching the frenulum, where most of the nerves are which control erection and orgasm. The effect of stretching the frenulum is to stimulate these nerves and within a very short time his erection may be restored.
The effect of you gripping his penis with your vaginal muscles will be to maintain your own progress towards orgasm, and with good fortune, intercourse that might easily have had to be abandoned can be brought to a natural and satisfying conclusion for you both.
But you must act quickly; either as soon as you find you can’t feel the penis inside you, or your man tells you he has lost his erection, which he can do in such terms as, “I’ve lost it,” or “I’ve gone small”, or “It’s gone soft”. (More than at any other time, two older partners need to be able to communicate clearly and precisely with one another during intercourse.)
Stretching the frenulum in this way may also be successful in resolving retarded or delayed ejaculation.
In these cases, the woman can again grip the man’s penis with her vaginal muscles; but in this case it is better not to change sex position. To reach the scrotum, slip your hand between your two pubic areas and take hold of it. Pull downwards at the same time as your man pushes his penis upwards into you. The pressure of his pubic area on your general clitoral area will keep you aroused despite the intervention of your hand, if you keep it a little to one side.
Quite a number of men, by the way, occasionally use this method of stretching the frenulum as an alternative method of masturbation. It is quite likely that your partner will have done so, possibly as a boy or young man, and he will be able to show you what to do.
By the way, the best method of taking hold of the scrotum is to ring your thumb and forefinger fairly tightly round it and push away from you, with his balls under the palm of your hand, as though you were trying to squeeze them out of the bag.
Explore new areas of each other’s body
The scrotum is very sensitive to very light strokes of the palm of a woman’s hand.
Begin at the base and very lightly draw the palm up over the scrotum, just brushing it. If you continue slowly with the same kind of touch up over the penis until you reach the penis-tip, you will surprise your partner, if this kind of touch is new to him, by the intensity of the sensations you produce.
If you do not know them already, go exploring your man’s body with him as your guide, in order to discover his most sensitive spots. (He should return the favor for you!)
One very sensitive spot is the perineum, the area situated behind the scrotum extending from the base of the penis to the anus. It is extremely sensitive to light and firm stroking with the fingertips or tongue.
What a woman can expect from her body, sexually, over 50 years of age
Masters and Johnson’s research in the 1950s suggests that your nipples will become hard and erect when you are sexually aroused by the mouth or fingers of your partner until you are in your late seventies.
During sex after 50 your clitoris will also respond with erection and behave exactly as it did when you were younger, except that it may require longer stimulation.
However, your outer labia may not swell and open like they did earlier in life: this is due to the reduced hormone levels after the menopause. Your inner labia will continue to swell a little throughout your sixties, but they will gradually lose the power to do so.
Vaginal lubrication may gradually decrease, sooner or later stopping in some women, though by no means all women. See our advice about intercourse – or rather, lubricants for intercourse.
It is in the vagina that the greatest changes take place after the menopause. The thinning and smoothing of the vaginal walls may give rise to discomfort during intercourse as you get older, and this may be thickened again, by using hormone pellets for localized hormone replacement in the vagina as prescribed by your doctor. This is not likely to occur until your sixties and seventies, but can always be put right by treatment.
If your vagina also becomes shorter and narrower as you grow older, your partner can always adjust to your length – with your help – and the narrowing is really a bonus, for it will help you to have closer contact with the penis. This will heighten the sensations during sex for both of you. How interesting to realize that sex after fifty can actually be better than before because of increased tightness and reduced lubrication!
You can develop the muscles at the entrance of the vagina, so that you can contract and relax it at will. Some women teach themselves how to do this when they are younger, but it is surprising how many women do not know that they can control this muscle – which contracts involuntarily when you have an orgasm – in the same way that the man can control the muscles that make his penis twitch.
You will find it easier to learn this technique if you use a smooth round object like a dildo or vibrator. Anyhow, whatever you use, it should be about four inches round, with a rounded end and it must be clean. Having lubricated it with saliva, insert it carefully about two inches into the vagina and then try to grip on it with the muscles of the vaginal entrance.
At first it may feel that you cannot budge the muscle at all. But don’t give up! It will begin to respond after a time, and with as little as five minutes’ practice twice a day, you should have the sensation that you are actually gripping the instrument tightly with your vaginal entrance.
When you reach this stage, use a less thick vibrator and practice until you feel you are gripping on that. When you reach this stage you will have full control of the muscle. You grip and relax when you do this: don’t try and keep up a continuous grip.
Besides being useful for holding a half-erect penis in your vagina and helping to stimulate it back to erection, it is also a useful technique to have in cases of delayed or retarded ejaculation.
The wave-like gripping of the muscle about the base of the penis is very stimulating to the man when his penis is erect.
When you have perfect control of the muscle you should continue to have two or three gripping sessions – without using any instrument – a week, to keep the muscle toned. Better still, use the Kegelmaster, an appliance designed specifically for vaginal exercises.
The uterus also becomes much smaller after the menopause. This is not likely to cause any repercussions in your sex life. It will still contract when you reach orgasm, and it will add its sensations to those of the vagina, anus, pelvis and clitoris.
Actually, then, as you pass fifty and beyond, your sexual responses will not change very much. Indeed, you are in some ways in a much better position than your male partner, whose sexual responses – in particular his ability to get erect – may be really affected by encroaching age.
Problems such as delayed ejaculation can easily be dealt with. There are many other sexual dysfunctions that may affect a man as he ages, of course, including difficulty in getting an erection, loss of erection, and even premature ejaculation – the curse of youth, which can make a reappearance later in life, for reasons of anxiety and loss of sexual confidence. Fortunately, men can find out how to stop premature ejaculation now and last longer in bed by using some of the excellent self-help guides available on the internet.
Practical suggestions to improve your sex life in the years beyond 50
1 In the early years of your sex life you may have been willing to seize the moment when passion gripped you, enjoying sex at any hour of the day or night. Now you’re in your 50s it’s an even better idea to take the opportunity to enjoy sex whenever you feel a surge of passion. Don’t let the chance slip by!
Also, find the time when you feel sexiest, and enjoy sex at that time as often as you can. So, for example, a man may feel most passionate in the morning while his partner feels most passionate in the afternoon. If it suits you both, you could make love in the morning or afternoon alternately, rather than in bed at night. A simple change to your routine like this will allow you to take advantage of the time when you naturally feel sexy.
2 Try finding new sex positions which allow you to make the most of your libido. Not all sex positions are equally exciting: some will be much more arousing for you than others, and if you experiment you can find out which give you a head start on getting the best sex. Of course, making love isn’t just about sex positions – it’s about emotional and spiritual connection as well, so you might like to pay particular attention to sexual positions like side-by-side, positions which allow you to rest during sex, enjoy every aspect of each other’s bodies, and still maintain a loving sexual connection.
3 Explore new sexual techniques which focus on the loving energy of sex rather than just the physical aspects. I’m thinking particularly of Tantric sex, because Tantric massage can be intensely arousing, involving a slow, sensual build-up to a peak of sexual and erotic energy. (In my opinion it would be a good idea for all couples over the age of 50 to enroll on a Tantra course, because this is one of the fastest ways to kick start your libido and get better orgasms.)
4 Take off the time pressure: don’t attempt to have sex if time is short, because the lack of opportunity for sensual stimulation may produce performance pressure which affects your man’s ability to sustain an erection. That doesn’t mean to say you shouldn’t respond to the urges of passion if you want a quickie!
5 Make sex special: if it suits you, book time in your diary when you know that you have the opportunity for an uninterrupted session of lovemaking. Make it a special, extended experience of “togetherness” where you can enjoy either sensual massage, lovemaking or mutual caresses. This way, the pressure is off and the experience can evolve naturally at its own pace into whatever suits you at the time.
6 Become more active. Most women in our society, even now, tend to adopt a more passive approach during lovemaking: more passive than the man, that is. But it’s a myth that a man has to lead during lovemaking while his partner follows wherever he goes. For one thing, it’s disempowering for the woman not to have the opportunity to take control in sex.
More importantly, a woman can sometimes show a man the way to go when he doesn’t know what to do next. So, for example, you could use your mouth, your breasts, your hair, or other parts of your body to gently stimulate and arouse him, not just by sexual touch, but by sensual touch all over his body. Women have been seducing men with the power of their bodies, with the power of touch, even with the power of femininity itself, for millennia. That collective knowledge is within you, and you can draw upon it and use it to take charge of the sexual experience with your partner whenever you wish.
7 The best approach to sex after 50 is consistency. And what that means is that the acrobatic sexual exploits of your youth (if there were any) may not be appropriate at this time of life. You might prefer to choose a sex position which is easy on both of you and to stick to it throughout a session of lovemaking. Particularly good sex positions for more mature men and women are the woman on top position (provided you can get over any embarrassment you feel about him seeing your body), the side-by-side positions, and perhaps rear-entry.