Overcoming Delayed Ejaculation
More than anything else, knowing that you need to be aroused before you attempt sexual intercourse is the key that makes ejaculation possible.
This text is all reproduced, with the author’s permission, from How To Overcome Delayed Ejaculation at Home. You can see the book on Amazon here.
And if you feel that you are aroused during sex, then ask yourself whether the feelings you have during sex are similar to the ones you have during masturbation (when you are genuinely aroused, and orgasm is easy to attain)?If they are not, then you may not be aroused during sex, and the techniques described above may help you to connect with your desires and become so.
Patience and selfishness are important; although perhaps if we use the expression “assertive about your own needs and wants”, rather than the word selfish, then we get nearer to the heart of the matter.
Treating Delayed Ejaculation At Home
Consider this question: when you have sex, do you get more aroused in your mind than your body?
This may not make much sense to you. After all, you might ask, aren’t we always aroused in our minds before we have sex? Yes, but if you think about it, you can see that you’re also aroused in your body – physical arousal is what makes your penis erect.
Mental arousal is what makes you want to have sex, to reach out for your partner, fantasize about what sex is (or could be) like.
Mental arousal leads you to a place where you can get physically aroused and then go on to the physical pleasures of sexual intercourse or masturbation. So what happens, then, if you get more aroused in your mind than your body? In other words, if your mind wants sex, but your body doesn’t?
You may not understand this. But we all need both mental and physical arousal to enjoy sex, and we need them in the right proportions. When you have too much mental arousal, for example, you’re too excited. Think of the young man who comes too quickly – he’s over-aroused, over-excited, and it’s all in his mind.
The act of putting his erect penis into his partner is in itself so exciting that all he can think about is the fact that he’s actually “doing it”. And that high level of mental arousal makes him come far too quickly for anybody’s pleasure. He has little or no awareness of how aroused he is in his body until moments before he explodes, often surprising both himself and his partner.
Then, by contrast, think of a man with delayed ejaculation. This is often a man who can pound away in his poor partner’s vagina for hours (yes, literally, if she lets him!) without ejaculating.
And that man may be you.
During sex, your penis is hard, but how aroused mentally are you? I’d guess very little – perhaps not even a little bit.
You may even sense that you don’t especially like your partner, or feel attracted to her, and you don’t feel any mental or emotional sexual excitement being with her. Pounding away in her vagina does not excite you; that’s why you don’t ejaculate. You may even resent having sex with the woman in question and feel angry towards her.
And if you do ejaculate, you may be using fantasy to make it happen.
Now, a lot of men get very turned on mentally just by thinking about sexual fantasy, or by using porn, and that’s quite natural. Being turned on like this is exciting, it’s sexy, it feels good, and it usually leads to an erection, and often an ejaculation – either by masturbation or sex.
But getting turned on by thinking about sex, by watching porn or by seeing your partner naked, or by fantasizing about someone else while fucking your partner, is all very well until you totally depend on it. However, there will come a point when it doesn’t work so well anymore.
This can happen at any age between twenty five and fifty, even older, but when it does, a man moves into a place in his life where he probably needs something more to get aroused. And this is where problems start. Being in your head all the time doesn’t help you when you’re with another person, or when you simply don’t realize that you need touch, loving connection or physical stimulation to get erect!
Right now, some important questions emerge from this:
How aroused can you get without the help of fantasy, without sexy thoughts?
Do you ask your partner to stimulate your penis to get erect, or do you expect to be erect before she touches you?
Do you get pleasure from your partner’s touch on your body or penis?
Do you even ask for it?
Do you expect to get erect now just as you did when you were a teenager or early in your sexual experience?
Could you imagine masturbating to orgasm without a fantasy to help you come?
What this all means in reality is that you may need to rediscover how to get aroused before you can enjoy sex.
What to do if you can’t finish during lovemaking
How You and Your Partner Can Get You Aroused
Basically, you have to learn to trust your body. That is to say, you have to trust that with enough stimulation of the right kind (which may be physical) you can develop and keep an erection and enjoy intercourse until you ejaculate.
Fortunately, there are many things that will make this process easier for you. However, some of these involve your female partner, so maybe you should ask her to read this section.
Your partner needs to be willing to co-operate with you in the exercises, and to provide the physical stimulation you may need to get erect and reach orgasm. She also needs to be willing to reach her own orgasm through masturbation – by her own hand or by yours – or by means of oral sex from you. It’s also important that she should accept that there may be times when you aren’t going to have sex as you redevelop, or relearn, the skill of ejaculation during intercourse – and that all this is necessary!
Having said that, I should point out that your ejaculation problem can be very challenging for a woman who is not well informed about male sexuality. If you work on the problem together with mutual understanding and love – or at least respect – the chance of a successful outcome is much greater.
So, how to begin?
Some sexual problems are very deeply rooted in childhood experiences, and you may need professional help to sort them out. Perhaps you already have a sense of whether this is so or not, and you may even have taken steps to find a suitable therapist. If not, by all means start the exercises here and see how you get on with them. If they don’t seem to have any effect, then the time may have come to seek professional help.
Next, I need to add that the same is true of your partner. Unless she herself is fairly relaxed about her sexuality and yours, is free of conflicts about men and male sexuality, and is willing to help, there isn’t a lot of point trying these exercises. She may need to see a sexual therapist before you start working on your ejaculation problems.
The other crucial thing is that you both want to be together. Sometimes it can be easy for a man to deceive himself about the fact that he knows he is with the wrong woman, or he simply doesn’t like the woman he is with.
I guess that most people who have reservations about their partner know this, if they care to admit it to themselves. If that seems to be true for you, then perhaps a more relevant process right now would be to seek couples’ counseling to find a way to restore the relationship to good health (or maybe end it).
But don’t get downhearted! Ejaculation problems can be resolved in almost every case at home without professional treatment. The only situations where this might not be true are where the problem has been around since you became sexually active, or where you’ve been having trouble ejaculating for a very long time. (Obviously a problem that occurs only with one particular woman says more about your relationship with that woman than it does about your ejaculatory ability.)
Equally, if you have a problem with low sexual desire, or low libido, you probably need to look at that problem first.
A man’s sexual inexperience can often cause him anxiety which affects his sexual capacity in many ways. For men who lack sexual experience – and this can include men in their thirties and forties – a loving partner who’s willing to play in a relaxed way with you sexually, and is happy to take part in learning about sex, no matter what happens, is pretty much a prerequisite of becoming a good lover.